Adam King is joined by professional matchmakers Layla Book, Layla Finds Love and Rabbi Shlomo Schachter discuss why people today are not getting married as often as they use to, and what you can do to find love.
Adam King is joined by professional matchmakers Layla Book, Layla Finds Love and Rabbi Shlomo Schachter discuss why people today are not getting married as often as they use to, and what you can do to find love.
THE ADAM KING SHOW | ENTERTAINMENT FACILITATION AT IT’S FINEST!
The Adam King Show is everybody’s favorite place for news and commentary, the most interesting guests on the planet, humor, arts and culture, spirituality, motivation, business, technology, cannabis, alternative health, ground breaking stories, and just plain old fashion fun.
Every week host Adam King sits down with the most exceptional panel of guests ever assembled, some of which can only be found here on The Adam King Show, to talk about the most current and relevant news of the day.
With a background in diplomacy and government relations, Adam offers unique insights into the world around us through a tremendous amount of experience and relationships.
Adam is a world traveler, an entertainment facilitator, project advisor, and activist for many causes, and an education reform leader. He's a thought leader and activist in the Southern California area. Adam ran for public office and serves on the boards of various philanthropic organizations.
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00:00:15:00 - 00:00:29:18
Adam King
Welcome, everybody, to the 12th edition of The Adam King Show. I am your host, Adam King, joined by my one and only good friend, dear colleague and sidekick, rock breath. How you doing, Rock? It's good to see you again. How are you? We missed you on Monday.
00:00:30:18 - 00:00:33:06
Rock Breath
Yeah. You had a little bit going on down here and.
00:00:33:16 - 00:00:52:21
Adam King
To our audience. Rock was in the hurricane at the epicenter of the hurricane last week. And his Internet has been out for several days now. And we missed him on Monday. I had to do as I couldn't do a mean portion without you. It just didn't work. It just didn't.
00:00:52:21 - 00:00:53:01
Rock Breath
Work.
00:00:54:05 - 00:00:57:15
Adam King
It just didn't work. The memes are not the same without Iraq.
00:00:58:08 - 00:01:00:03
Rock Breath
Let's do it. I'm ready to do it.
00:01:00:03 - 00:01:03:24
Adam King
Let's rock. I got I got a question for you. How are the Bills doing?
00:01:05:09 - 00:01:07:07
Rock Breath
Oh, no, seriously.
00:01:07:07 - 00:01:08:19
Adam King
They're they're getting crushed.
00:01:09:19 - 00:01:18:12
Rock Breath
The last game was another interception for a loss at the end of the game. Ridiculous, terrible coaching, terrible, terrible playmaking. But hey, but.
00:01:18:12 - 00:01:20:20
Adam King
The Dolphins are tied in first place, right?
00:01:21:18 - 00:01:26:19
Rock Breath
Oh, hey, thank you. You know, that's only another AFC team that I've been kind of.
00:01:27:09 - 00:01:31:05
Adam King
I guess hell really did freeze over with the dolphins, didn't I?
00:01:31:10 - 00:01:35:11
Rock Breath
Yeah, yeah, for sure. They're so up on it. All right.
00:01:35:11 - 00:01:55:08
Adam King
Let's get into some names, man. I've been missing out on Meme since last Thursday, and we got to get some. We got to get some funny sunny times going. Our audience needs a good laugh. Memes and News Segment First meme of the day. Name a city that changed your life. Wuhan.
00:01:59:04 - 00:02:01:18
Adam King
Sometimes you just got to laugh at these things. Am I right?
00:02:03:04 - 00:02:06:05
Rock Breath
Yeah. New York, Wuhan. All right.
00:02:06:23 - 00:02:38:19
Adam King
The next story is a real big one. You have Sam Bankman-Fried, the owner of FDX. Mitch McConnell and the rhinos in the background and in front of the Mitch McConnell is a plate called ethics laundering. And the bottom picture shows a happy Mitch McConnell with his little morsel and his campaign donations. This meme is hard to understand what happened, but with Mitch McConnell taking money from stocks.
00:02:38:22 - 00:03:04:18
Adam King
Here is the disclosure. And as you can see, the number is $2.5 million rock that mitch mcconnell took from fdx. And no wonder why mitch mcconnell was not in. Blake masters, carrie lake. He was an invested in any of the races. He got paid off by the democrats and here is the proof. 2.5 million. It's crazy, is it not?
00:03:05:18 - 00:03:10:16
Rock Breath
It's very upsetting. Very upsetting and not very funny, but very upsetting.
00:03:11:07 - 00:03:29:10
Adam King
Let's move on to something funny. What gives people feelings of power, money, that much status that makes voting for a different pedophile overlord every four years? Dude, are they all pedophiles or what? It's like work up in there.
00:03:29:10 - 00:03:40:15
Rock Breath
I'm seeing some really nasty commercials on TV too, so. And I don't mean nasty by them or out by them, but just an example of what they're allowing now. And it's disgusting.
00:03:41:01 - 00:03:41:24
Adam King
They're pigs, man.
00:03:43:06 - 00:03:43:14
Rock Breath
Yep.
00:03:43:21 - 00:03:51:22
Adam King
And our code text. And again, the IRS coming with buckets to to milk a barely milk able cow. Good morning.
00:03:51:22 - 00:03:56:22
Rock Breath
Sunshine. They couldn't even get enough urine out of that cow to fill those buckets.
00:03:57:07 - 00:04:30:08
Adam King
This exactly. This story really pisses me off. Biden Administration Threatens to veto proposed Senate Resolution to end COVID 19 Emergency Declaration After 13 Democrats voted with Republicans. You could tell that there is massive corruption and they just launched the probe into the Biden family. This one really gets me. California City Launches Guaranteed Income Program for Transgender Residents. Hey, kids, you want some extra allowance?
00:04:31:10 - 00:04:36:14
Rock Breath
A backpack? Really? I mean, do they think they can get away with this forever?
00:04:36:23 - 00:04:47:17
Adam King
They are going to try as long as they can. No, this one got me good, man. The taxes aren't even that high. The taxes they have for Afro snakes snoop, Yoda.
00:04:49:05 - 00:04:52:05
Rock Breath
Snoop Dogg and the like. All right.
00:04:52:11 - 00:05:13:04
Adam King
For our audience from Natural it natural i t i c health before going to bed blend to have a teaspoon of turmeric, a quarter teaspoon of ginger with a cup of coconut milk before going to bed in order to flush your liver of toxins while you sleep. I want to give good medical advice to all those sick people out there.
00:05:13:05 - 00:05:16:08
Rock Breath
Now, is that something you have to do every night?
00:05:16:08 - 00:05:19:22
Adam King
You know what? I'm going to consult the Instagram me more things.
00:05:19:23 - 00:05:21:18
Rock Breath
And that would be expensive.
00:05:23:00 - 00:05:32:22
Adam King
$2.04 billion Powerball winner takes home 628 million after taxes. The real jackpot winner, the IRS 1.42 billion.
00:05:33:14 - 00:05:40:03
Rock Breath
I thought they were supposed to get only a small percentage of it. Nope, they get 40%. I thought it was the other way around.
00:05:40:03 - 00:06:01:20
Adam King
It's a scam to give more money to our government. This one's good. The patriarch always wins. All these. All these men and women, sports, beautiful men. God, they're so attractive. This one bugs me out. Is that a beauty queen pageant? That is not a beauty queen pageant.
00:06:02:04 - 00:06:04:08
Rock Breath
Masquerade or something or other.
00:06:04:08 - 00:06:07:15
Adam King
Is greater dairy.
00:06:07:15 - 00:06:09:17
Rock Breath
I think that might be a joke.
00:06:09:18 - 00:06:43:12
Adam King
GOP House Opens Probe Into Biden Family for potential that tax evasion, money laundering and human trafficking. They are about damn time. The wife gains control of house with 121 majority and then the people who trust the government and we got our government. Boy, when you get busted, money laundering money and need a distraction and the missiles go and here we're going to finish up with this.
00:06:43:20 - 00:06:56:04
Adam King
I wonder if there's a country from Adam King, this godly looking stud on Facebook. I wonder if there is a country we can invade and murder a million people or more to export our version of democracy to.
00:06:57:12 - 00:06:59:04
Rock Breath
A and we'll.
00:06:59:04 - 00:07:06:01
Adam King
Close on this one. Victoria's Secrets introduces first model with Down's Syndrome. And you have scared the bottom, saying at least.
00:07:08:15 - 00:07:15:06
Rock Breath
She doesn't big that's what's a good one. We got to close on that. That was excellent.
00:07:15:19 - 00:07:19:02
Adam King
I'll see you soon, Rock. I'll be in the in the back and we'll.
00:07:21:02 - 00:07:22:04
Rock Breath
I'll see you guys.
00:07:22:14 - 00:07:23:10
Adam King
After the panel.
00:07:23:23 - 00:07:25:11
Rock Breath
Have a great show, everyone.
00:07:25:20 - 00:07:37:11
Adam King
Thanks, Rock. All right. We are joined by two wonderful guests. One of them is a little bit sideways right now. Rock your camera's a little bit sideways there.
00:07:38:12 - 00:07:38:22
Rock Breath
Okay.
00:07:39:09 - 00:08:15:05
Adam King
We have a fit famous matchmaker to the stars, Layla. Layla book. Rabbi Young Israel. Rabbi Rabbi Shlomo Barash. After today, we got such a unique show and I was telling us to leave before the show got started, that in order to trip up the algorithms of censorship, because this show gets heavily censored. We had to we do like non political shows every 2 to 3 episodes we'll do it.
00:08:15:05 - 00:08:37:16
Adam King
We did one on movies, we did one on standup comedy, and now this is our third installment on our 12th episode, and it's all about relationships. And for our viewers at home, we are going to be starting an entire relationship series to get to the bottom of why everybody is so unhappy and why nobody can seem to get into relationships.
00:08:38:06 - 00:09:12:03
Adam King
So I wanted to bring the two of you on and start off the discussion that's going to involve many more guests in the future as well as yourselves, to try to find out what is actually happening and why people are not succeeding at finding love and finding marriage. So I want to start with you, Leila. Since this is your profession and you're 24 seven in this field, why don't you give our audience a little bit of background about what you do and and and about your practice?
00:09:12:14 - 00:09:39:21
Layla Book
Sure. Thank you, Adam, for having me. And I hope that we sway the algorithm to your advantage. So I may have a book. I am in Southern California, but I do matchmaking for Jewish singles all around America and if possible, if need be around the globe. I have a global database of Jewish singles I started in 2014 as a start, as a hobby.
00:09:39:21 - 00:10:08:09
Layla Book
Basically, I started a little Facebook group. It's grown into a pretty large community, and since then I created events here in Los Angeles. I created online events during, you know, if needed. And so it's been a it's kind of a passion of mine. It started as a passion and has grown into more of a business. I have two degrees in business, so I guess it's in my nature to your mind?
00:10:08:18 - 00:10:36:20
Layla Book
It's in my mind. So I love what I do. I want to bring people together. So it's a professional matchmaking agency as opposed to more of the midst matchmakers. I really put my time and effort and blood, sweat and tears into it. So there it is. Like people do pay me upfront to to be their full time matchmaker and I do all different types of backgrounds, Jewish, all different flavors.
00:10:36:20 - 00:10:39:05
Adam King
What about for our non-Jewish community?
00:10:40:09 - 00:10:44:01
Layla Book
I refer that out. I only do I keep people within the tribe.
00:10:44:14 - 00:10:47:07
Adam King
But I hope you have some good advice for them for today's show.
00:10:47:17 - 00:10:48:09
Layla Book
Of course.
00:10:48:12 - 00:10:51:09
Adam King
And how many matches do you have?
00:10:51:09 - 00:11:07:13
Layla Book
I've had five matches and then as people meet through my events. So hopefully that counts to three. Yeah, three people in my events and actually one couple met in June and they're seriously dating and thinking of.
00:11:08:01 - 00:11:10:07
Adam King
Wow, your stack in numbers.
00:11:10:07 - 00:11:12:12
Layla Book
Yes, yes. It's exciting. Keeps me going.
00:11:12:23 - 00:11:20:15
Adam King
And then in addition to you, we have Rabbi Schlomo Schachter, Rabbi of Vancouver Young Israel Community.
00:11:21:17 - 00:11:22:20
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Congregation Shard said.
00:11:23:04 - 00:11:38:10
Adam King
Sorry said check and and you're doing big things in your community I've met some people in your community. A lot of people have come to your classes and you're also kind of like getting into this kind of singles crisis for the first time.
00:11:39:02 - 00:11:55:08
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah, well, you know, I was prime for several years on campus working with college students. And then, you know, once you start having kids that have been out of college, you know, for four, five, six years that I'm the rabbi. So I get involved with a lot of people who are in the process of finding finding their life partner.
00:11:55:14 - 00:12:21:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And again, also here in the community, you're dealing with young you know, young people as they're in that phase of life where they're getting married and settling down and building building the home that they want to have. So I definitely have a lot of hands on work with with with young people who are settling into intermarriage. And I've also been been with people on the other side where people are involved in divorce and all that and help them to to see people through that side of things.
00:12:23:03 - 00:12:31:18
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Because, you know, in Judaism, that's also a mitzvah, is also you know, it's also a ritual to remember that needs to be done right.
00:12:32:04 - 00:12:35:04
Adam King
We learn the laws of divorce before we learn the laws of marriage.
00:12:35:04 - 00:12:48:13
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
That's right. That and so you know how to bring God into the whole process, ideally into our marriage and into the home building. And when we're going to part ways with somebody, how to do that also in a godly manner.
00:12:48:13 - 00:12:53:15
Adam King
And have you made any matches yourself? I know you're trying. I know you're just.
00:12:53:15 - 00:12:54:01
Rock Breath
My wife.
00:12:54:01 - 00:12:58:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Is my wife is much more involved. She's got she's got two that she's done, you know.
00:12:58:08 - 00:13:00:04
Adam King
And two on your behalf.
00:13:01:04 - 00:13:02:23
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
The people you are working with, our students.
00:13:03:05 - 00:13:04:11
Adam King
All you need is one more man.
00:13:04:23 - 00:13:12:17
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah, right. So then I don't know if it counts. I picked my wife, you know, I said I got to because I don't know if the council's making a match, but.
00:13:13:08 - 00:13:18:08
Adam King
And you were just for our audience. You were actually a pro football player, am I right?
00:13:18:12 - 00:13:20:10
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Semi-Pro. Semi-Pro. You know, when.
00:13:20:12 - 00:13:25:02
Adam King
non-American League football in Israel, you would count as a pro.
00:13:25:18 - 00:13:36:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Okay? If you if you if you considered such, you know. But, you know, we played we played in Europe. We went to Spain and Spain out of the European Cup, you know, representing Israel. So that was a lot of fun.
00:13:36:03 - 00:13:38:06
Adam King
That's cool. I used to playing football.
00:13:38:13 - 00:13:38:23
Rock Breath
You know.
00:13:39:24 - 00:13:47:19
Adam King
We had a segment right before with our associate producer where we were talking about the Dolphins being tied in first place. Is that while there what?
00:13:48:01 - 00:13:49:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah. Who did some great.
00:13:49:23 - 00:13:50:16
Adam King
Hell is really.
00:13:50:16 - 00:13:52:18
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Never really been on any given Sunday kind of year in the.
00:13:52:18 - 00:13:59:23
Adam King
NFL. Listen, if the Dolphins can be tied for first place, then all these singles can definitely find their match.
00:14:00:06 - 00:14:02:01
Layla Book
The dolphins can do it. You can do it.
00:14:02:07 - 00:14:24:02
Adam King
The dolphins can do it. Go dolphins. All right. So this is like a really a very serious topic. And the question that I want to pose to you guys, you guys both feel free to jump in and and take a stab at it and interrupt each other. Caused some interesting debate. But why are relationships failing? Why are people getting older and remaining single?
00:14:24:12 - 00:14:30:03
Adam King
Why is it that nobody seems to be getting married and what can be done to stop it?
00:14:31:07 - 00:14:54:01
Layla Book
Yeah, I mean, one thing I can say is there's so much selection right now. I mean, we have so much noise. I call it noise because there's so much stuff going around. You have dating apps and there's so many dating apps. Which one are you going to choose from? J Swipe JDate for you. It's there's so many different things, at least the I my my my realm is Jewish.
00:14:54:01 - 00:14:56:06
Layla Book
So that's why I always keep talking about do.
00:14:56:07 - 00:14:57:06
Adam King
I use hinge.
00:14:57:12 - 00:14:58:04
Layla Book
I hinge.
00:14:58:08 - 00:15:04:16
Adam King
Any of our audience that wants to try to get me. You can find me on hinge or you can right info at the Adam King Show Dot.com.
00:15:05:19 - 00:15:07:14
Layla Book
Or send them to me and I can filter them.
00:15:08:17 - 00:15:08:22
Rock Breath
Out.
00:15:09:04 - 00:15:32:10
Layla Book
So there's so much distraction and the swiping, the swiping, it just makes me so much more difficult, I think. And people have less time like they're so some people are so focused on their career that they lose track of, you know, they become in their thirties and forties and they realize, oh, no time sticky. I want to have child, I want to have a few children.
00:15:33:02 - 00:15:59:11
Layla Book
They don't realize that. So it could be the focus on their career. It could be they don't really know what they're looking for. A lot of people date without any strategy, and the first thing I do with my clients is that I sit down and have a strategy session with them. It's I call it Dating Strategy Session and gives them a focus and gives them a foundation on what, you know, type of things that you should be looking for.
00:15:59:17 - 00:16:23:05
Layla Book
What characteristics? Dealbreakers must haves. These are all things that anybody should be thinking of. So if you go in with just like anything in life without like a guidance, without a mentor, without a rabbi, without a matchmaker, without anybody you don't really know. Maybe you met somebody that could have been had potential, but you've completely missed out on it.
00:16:23:05 - 00:16:36:08
Layla Book
So people are missing out on these opportunities. And I feel like these these things, at least on my when I've seen people do, they they date without intention or without focus.
00:16:36:12 - 00:16:39:15
Adam King
So what do you say about that, rabbi? Shocker.
00:16:39:20 - 00:16:58:24
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah. You know, I think that some of some of the issue is that we live in a world where we're expecting instant gratification, where you do something and it works. And if you don't, if you don't, so, you know, you move on, try again and relations aren't like that. You know, finding it finding the perfect soulmate doesn't mean that everything is going to be easy from now on.
00:16:58:24 - 00:17:19:07
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And it fits perfectly in happily ever after right. Finding the perfect soulmate is you have the partner who is going to continue to elicit from you the kind of growth that you're really capable of. And for you to bring out the best potential. None of us are finished products, right? And you have to be you're not shopping for a finished product in the same way, right?
00:17:19:07 - 00:17:39:09
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
It's not like Amazon where you can pick exactly what you want. You get it two days later, you're done. You know, relationships are difficult. It takes a long time. It takes building trust and it takes investment of your whole self into doing that. So it's something that we're not accustomed to. You know, it's like a person who's just beginning to get in shape, right?
00:17:39:21 - 00:18:01:18
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
They've been neglecting, you know, neglecting their diet and exercise for four years and then they're another one again. So you can't get in shape overnight. It doesn't work that way. Takes years and years and years of focus to, you know, to be able to to get anywhere and be able to see any noticeable progress. And even more so, when you're dealing with character development and the kind of becoming the person you want to be.
00:18:02:01 - 00:18:33:14
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And so finding a partner, you know, that you're going to be able to do that with is a big leap of faith, you know, and there's no it takes some people in the approaches to take years and years and years of dating. And, you know, you have to have a relationship the last several years and you're living together you like really have is okay so now we're get married so that's one approach that people have today is that you have to have that longevity in the dating process to be able to be sure, as it were, you know, and, and otherwise you're going in with with a very you have to have a lot of
00:18:33:14 - 00:18:48:08
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
other things in place, right? So that's why people in the religious community, you know, there's a lot that's sort of unspoken, right? A lot of expectations that are come while you're in this part of this community, I'm part of the group. We share the same values. We share the same expectations of how there's going to be. And then we have to work it out together.
00:18:48:08 - 00:19:05:04
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
But we have a lot we're sort of diving into graph paper, right? It's there's a lot of things which are set already and that that gives people, I think, a confidence to be able to enter into a relationship with a lot less experience of the other person. But so much of it is instinct, so much of it is kind of.
00:19:05:04 - 00:19:07:17
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
How do you feel when you connect with gut feelings?
00:19:07:17 - 00:19:07:21
Adam King
Yeah.
00:19:07:22 - 00:19:29:22
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Has a gut feeling. Does this person elicit from you, you know, the sense of I like the person that I am when I'm with them. You know, I like I enjoy their company, the ability to work, to have difficult conversations and really communicate. Do we have that ability? Are we able to enjoy time together without, you know, having to be invested in something else?
00:19:29:23 - 00:19:48:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Right. Can we go to dinner and have a nice conversation? Do we feel like we need to go to the movies or we don't have to talk to each other? You know, that you know, these are the questions that you need to answer and you need to answer them very quickly. If you know, if you're dating for marriage or if you you know, the expectations are there.
00:19:48:15 - 00:20:06:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
So it's a very it's a very hard task. And I think spiritually in the world today, people are more fragmented than ever before. You know, it used to be that as so much of your life was determined, you lived in one place, you had your family, you had a profession. Be here today, you have a job. You have a side hustle.
00:20:06:22 - 00:20:24:17
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You got this, you got hobbies. You got so many different things going on. You're multitask at the same time. So integration of all of these different parts of ourselves into the person that we are is very, very difficult. And then throw on top of that a relationship which is which demands of us that integration. And you're you're you're swimming upstream the whole time.
00:20:25:03 - 00:20:47:08
Adam King
So I'm going to pivot. And for anybody just tuning in, you're listening to the Adam King Show. I'm your host, Adam King. And you can you can find all of our episodes at the Adam King showcase. I recently was was in a dating group on WhatsApp. One of these like here's a bunch of people, go meet them type of things.
00:20:47:21 - 00:21:18:14
Adam King
And I and I postulated a reason why people are getting married and it got insane feedback. People were really hot over this article, and essentially what I found out was there was a university study that was conducted that said that when women pursue men 85% of the time it ends in marriage. And this blew my mind. I went over Google, I tried to find more research on this.
00:21:18:14 - 00:21:44:22
Adam King
And the Internet is flooded with around these numbers between 80 to 90% that it ends in a marriage. And this shifted a lot of my concept of dating and how we date and how we are conditioned to date. We grow up with these like Cinderella stories of courtship and what a man is required to do. And we're all Jews here as Jews.
00:21:44:22 - 00:22:08:19
Adam King
It's a very non-Jewish way to get to, you know, the way the dating is done today is not the way that it was done before. I was telling my friend earlier that the old way of of Ashkenazi Jewish dating was, Oh, you survived Buchenwald. I survived the Buchenwald. Let's have let's get married in 50 years later. They have 400 grandkids.
00:22:09:04 - 00:22:43:08
Adam King
You know, in this generation, people are so immersed with options. And I want to get both of your takes on this perspective, because I have since I learned this statistic, I've radically shifted my understanding of why people aren't getting married. If a woman wants to get married, there are two types of women. There are women who want to get married, and there are women who want to remain options open to see what type of options are available to her.
00:22:43:14 - 00:23:04:06
Adam King
She doesn't want to close the door because, you know, some rich doctor might come around there. Most women are not shopping for a life partner. They're shopping for a lifestyle in the dating. And let's start there because this is a superPAC subject. What do you think about that? Am I right or wrong? Are women shopping for a lifestyle or a life partner?
00:23:05:05 - 00:23:36:11
Layla Book
I would say all women. Okay. I hate to generalize the population and say we're all doing this and we're all doing that because the you know, a lot of people, they have expectations. They have these fantasies. And when they're dating, when those fantasies are not met, they feel, okay, next, there's more fish in the sea for me. And that's I personally know so many people who are who keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the right one.
00:23:36:14 - 00:23:56:13
Layla Book
You know, Rabbi, you're saying that waiting, looking for the perfect match. There is no perfect match. All works in progress. As you were saying, we are nobody was born perfect. We never will be. But we, of course, we strive to be. So if we're waiting for somebody to turn our life around 100 degrees, that's never going to happen.
00:23:56:20 - 00:24:15:06
Layla Book
You have to want it for yourself. You have to change yourself. You have to make yourself ready in order to attract the right people. So if you're just waiting for that perfect guy or woman to come and take your breath away and, you know, live happily ever after, that's, you know, it's never going to happen.
00:24:15:21 - 00:24:45:06
Adam King
I was in and rabbi shock the world appreciate this in the Talmud in a second so to does too it talks about the different soulmates and it says this if aggression is one thing that's the first primary soulmate, then it goes into this category of the zipper chaining to the zipper. The zipper aggression is based on somebody muzzled like their constellations, but the second to the seventh soulmate are based in someone's actions.
00:24:45:09 - 00:25:01:23
Adam King
So I was on a date with this girl the other night and I was telling her about, you know, the difference between the soulmates. And I told her, I want to find my seventh soulmate, I want to find the one on the verge. She said, Why would you want your seventh? You should want your first, I should be your first.
00:25:02:06 - 00:25:22:23
Adam King
And I was like, Do you understand? Just to make the top seven list how important that is. Like, like if you get somebody who's and I think that we need to get out of this like soulmate talk, you know, because everybody's like, civil rights has to be the primary soulmate. It can't be like like, wow, I met one of my soulmates.
00:25:22:23 - 00:25:32:09
Adam King
This is incredible. And I see full of fish. I found one, somebody I can be happy with my whole life. And I think. What was that?
00:25:32:19 - 00:25:34:07
Layla Book
One is better than none, right?
00:25:34:15 - 00:25:49:06
Adam King
Yeah. Well, I was saying, like, I mean, seven is better than eight. You know, an eight isn't even on the list according to the Talmud. You know what I'm saying? There's a million women out there who can't even be compatible with me, but number seven is compatible with me. You know.
00:25:49:14 - 00:25:51:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
The main thing is to be the last one.
00:25:51:18 - 00:25:52:23
Adam King
The last one of what.
00:25:53:01 - 00:25:58:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Is the last moment, right? The final one that makes it that you want, that you don't need anymore.
00:25:58:05 - 00:26:01:07
Adam King
No parting exactly when we're done. No breaking.
00:26:01:08 - 00:26:02:11
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Ever after. You know.
00:26:02:12 - 00:26:05:12
Adam King
Whoever that is is your primary soulmate. You know, the one that you.
00:26:05:15 - 00:26:06:12
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Have this.
00:26:06:12 - 00:26:06:20
Adam King
Life.
00:26:06:20 - 00:26:09:08
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
With the spot to be in is the last, but not the first.
00:26:09:08 - 00:26:32:16
Adam King
One. But, you know, it kind of resonated to what I was talking about, Rabbi, because like, if you think about it, you know, a man's job is in in the traditional ways of courtship. He has to go pursue the woman. And let's say I pursue a lot of women. Thank God my dating life has been very flush and I've met a lot of really wonderful women.
00:26:33:24 - 00:26:55:09
Adam King
And I'll tell you that when I pursue a woman, I would say I have a 20% chance of getting her phone number, not an 85% chance of marrying her. And so when I read the statistic that women have an 85% chance of ending up in marriage if they pursue a man, I said to myself, If we all just want to be married, we're doing this wrong.
00:26:55:22 - 00:27:13:03
Adam King
The women should be pursuing the man. She should go earmark whichever man that she wants and go pursue him and say, Hey, you're cute. Let me take you out. Let me buy you a drink. Let me get to know you. Let you know. And and if you think about the way that a man gets to marriage, it's actually extremely degrading process.
00:27:13:18 - 00:27:36:09
Adam King
First, he has to make these overt, jazzy. You ever see, like, the peacocks, like mating in nature. Cock a cock. Of course he has to do this, like, dance, you know, by even just to open up a conversation he has to buy her a drink. You know, it's like he can't come at her just to know her without putting something a token in the machine to see if it'll spin or work.
00:27:36:09 - 00:28:04:19
Adam King
And her responsibility is to either accept or reject the past. Let's say he makes it to round two. Let's say he makes it to round three at every level of the game. The final boss of the game is her and he has to beat her by convincing her to accept him again. And then at the very end, not only it's so humiliating and degrading to men, and I'm sure women want this and men want it too, because they just don't really care so much and they want to be in a marriage.
00:28:04:19 - 00:28:31:13
Adam King
But at the very end of the process of trying to find the life partner, quote partner is that a man has to get on his knees with a valueless rock that's just overly priced and expensive and pledged to her and said to her, Will you marry me on his knees? And if you think about the dynamic of that, at what point do they meet in the middle?
00:28:31:13 - 00:28:33:06
Adam King
And it's a 5050 relationship.
00:28:33:12 - 00:28:40:16
Layla Book
Why do you think it's degrading, though, for a for to be courted? What what's what's bad about that courted?
00:28:40:24 - 00:29:07:02
Adam King
It's the it's that the process of dating heavily heavily favors the woman and discriminates against the man, puts all the power inside of her hands and then expects him to lead a family and lead the world and be the leader at the same time. Well, she doesn't want to relinquish control at all. And so it's no wonder why everybody's older and single, because everybody's all mixed up with with their roles and responsibilities.
00:29:07:02 - 00:29:10:09
Adam King
And getting to the in getting to the the marriage cannot be.
00:29:11:01 - 00:29:14:16
Layla Book
The now we're talking about like gender roles and like what we're expected to do.
00:29:14:17 - 00:29:31:05
Adam King
Not talking about gender roles. I'm talking about relationship roles. I was talking to somebody else about this the other day and he's like, a man is supposed to be a hunter. He's supposed to hunt for the woman. And I was like, Listen, breeding and hunting are two different skills, okay? Leave hunting with hunting and breeding with breeding. We don't.
00:29:31:05 - 00:29:31:17
Layla Book
Want it.
00:29:31:21 - 00:29:41:17
Adam King
But then if you want a family and you want to get married, there's a quick and easy way or a long and hard way. That's how I see it. What do you think about that, Rabbi?
00:29:41:17 - 00:30:04:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know, you bring up the question of Hunter. I remember when I was playing college football in university and it would have dawned on me at a certain point, I realized that the dynamic, the social dynamic around that I was the prey was not the hunter, you know. And that was scary to me. It was like, oh, you know, and maybe sort of rethink, rethink things.
00:30:04:16 - 00:30:11:12
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
I think that that to some degree that's what you're saying, right? When a woman decides that this is the one she wants to game over.
00:30:12:09 - 00:30:12:23
Adam King
Game over.
00:30:13:04 - 00:30:39:00
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Right now, it doesn't necessarily have to be game over, right? It's not necessarily so, but it seems to generally be it's like that with the animals do. Right? Well, the peacock puts on his show and displays right there the lions, the male lions have to fight for dominance once, once. It's just that once it's established, which one you know is going to be the leader of the bride.
00:30:39:10 - 00:30:39:24
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And so that's.
00:30:40:07 - 00:30:40:12
Rock Breath
It.
00:30:41:07 - 00:30:53:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
It's it. And so once a decision has been made, so that's it. So in a certain sense, you're right that men are always auditioning. And and the truth is, that doesn't end with marriage. You know.
00:30:53:21 - 00:30:54:20
Rock Breath
You and I were.
00:30:54:21 - 00:30:55:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Married.
00:30:55:08 - 00:31:02:00
Adam King
On this deficit bill, and the woman walks on to the next guy who's going to give her $5,000 and experience.
00:31:02:08 - 00:31:06:19
Layla Book
That's part of the the journey. That's part of dating. I mean, okay. Okay.
00:31:06:19 - 00:31:28:19
Adam King
For women. But what about for men? You know, I'll tell you, Laila, I'm 39. I have amazing single guy friends. We're all single. We're all 39. They're all well-to-do, they're all wealthy. Sometimes we get together and we say, no, women are allowed. And we sit there and we drink beer and we bitch about women. And every single guy has like the same stories.
00:31:29:04 - 00:31:30:10
Layla Book
Healthy.
00:31:30:10 - 00:31:55:21
Adam King
Every single guy has like the same stories that they talk to this woman. They invested a lot of time and energy diverting from their hard earned alpha male roles as being bosses in their companies and leaders in their fields. And they divert their time and they have no power and they end up spending all the money, you know, and they go on the date.
00:31:55:21 - 00:32:18:22
Adam King
It's the man's responsibility to pay for the date. They go on a vacation. It's the man's responsibility to pay for everything. The hotels, the transportation. If he doesn't, then maybe he's not a good provider, you know. But also women don't want a provider. They want to be able to earn more than men in the workforce. So there's all these there is all these gender roles that are being confused in the dating world.
00:32:19:10 - 00:32:20:06
Adam King
Let me ask you quick.
00:32:21:00 - 00:32:45:10
Layla Book
Yeah. I mean, first of all, dates don't have to be expensive if you're if you your date is always, you know, expecting you to take you out, then she's probably not for you. You don't want to be go broke while you're dating. Okay. So and second of all, expectations of like, oh, I'm supposed to do this, it's 20, 22.
00:32:45:20 - 00:33:08:22
Layla Book
I personally like this is many years ago. I met my husband at a Shabbat dinner and that evening he, I was I was going to try to see if we can, you know, exchange contact info. He left without me even like doing so. What did I do? This is many years ago, like ten before I wasn't even on Facebook.
00:33:08:22 - 00:33:22:18
Layla Book
What are you going to find me? What did I do? I approached the person who? The host of the house. He. She had the contact info of my future husband and I initiated the. So you just.
00:33:22:18 - 00:33:23:14
Adam King
Proved me right.
00:33:24:04 - 00:33:24:24
Layla Book
I Yeah.
00:33:24:24 - 00:33:26:13
Adam King
I You prove me right.
00:33:26:16 - 00:33:27:20
Layla Book
You would have. Probably never.
00:33:28:08 - 00:33:41:13
Adam King
Will. Hold on. We're getting a call from our audience. Oh, hello. Yeah, yeah, she's available for consultation. Okay, great. Yeah, she said that was right. It's amazing.
00:33:41:13 - 00:34:06:03
Layla Book
Just getting asked to prove you're wrong, Adam. I mean, I guess I'm, you know, I tell my story to a lot of people to tell them, you okay? This is 20, 22. You don't have to wait for the, you know, the guy to approach you. You're on you're on Facebook, you're on social media. Whatever. Don't don't a lot a lot of men or women feel like they don't want to get rejected.
00:34:06:03 - 00:34:10:02
Layla Book
They don't feel like, you know, it's just that. But what do you have to lose? You really don't.
00:34:10:07 - 00:34:12:01
Adam King
You have to lose? Exactly.
00:34:12:03 - 00:34:27:21
Layla Book
I think the initiate initiative. And if it doesn't happen, okay, it's not meant to be. But at least you took that step. And yes, you don't have to expect like, okay, I want him to come to me. Okay, I know, but like I did it. And here I am.
00:34:28:07 - 00:34:34:14
Adam King
Happily married with a family. Yeah. And if you didn't take that initiative, it might still be single.
00:34:35:14 - 00:34:36:17
Layla Book
Possibly. Yeah.
00:34:36:22 - 00:34:59:00
Adam King
You never know. You know, so. And I think it's really important that you said that, Layla, because sometimes I think it takes women who have completed the path in the cycle to convince the other women to put their cards down and not be. So, you know, it's like when it comes to dating, they're very traditional. When it comes to everything else, they're not traditional at all, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:59:00 - 00:35:05:12
Adam King
But when it comes to dating a guy that open up that door, he doesn't open up the door to the cart. It's over. We are done.
00:35:05:18 - 00:35:13:01
Layla Book
Well, that's chivalry. Okay, that's chivalry. Okay, that's. That means okay. He's nice, he's considerate. Okay.
00:35:13:08 - 00:35:41:09
Adam King
What is the woman's form of chivalry? Like, what do women do to kind of like, balance it out? Let's say both parties get to marriage and the whole chivalry, traditional thing. The most successful relationships that I've had were multiple years. We did live together and I did 90% of the work, 90% of the cooking, 90% of the cleaning, 90% of the dates, 90% of everything was on me.
00:35:41:20 - 00:35:42:24
Layla Book
But that was a type of how.
00:35:42:24 - 00:35:45:22
Adam King
Do you get that number to go to 50, 50?
00:35:46:24 - 00:35:50:01
Layla Book
5050 would be great, but it's not always going to be like that is.
00:35:50:01 - 00:35:56:20
Adam King
That would be a happy marriage because men also have needs and feelings too. Men also want to feel like their partner shows up for them.
00:35:57:03 - 00:36:17:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Well, that's why that you have any set of expectations put on the relationship. You're bound to fail. You're bound to be disappointed. Great point is that is that each couple needs to have this constellation in the arrangement that's going to work for them. I think that you're absolutely correct in that some of the classical modes of behavior between men and women are, a little bit outdated.
00:36:18:00 - 00:36:49:07
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Right. Because in a situation where women are not primary earners, you know, in the ancient world. So I think there's a certain it's okay, the man has to be the provider today. You know, women when they're single, they're working, they're supporting themselves, you know, much of the time. So I think there is absolutely room for, you know, a reorganization if you at, for example, in our tradition was that we could do both as a whole long list of deviations from the standard or the standard marriage responsibilities that are possible.
00:36:49:07 - 00:37:10:04
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And all they have to do is stipulate. Right. And that these are these are broad as possibilities that the woman will provide for her own food. And the man doesn't have to do that, but in exchange, she doesn't have to give him, you know, you know, certain a certain amount of her work. And there's a whole calculus that can be building under these terms of the relationship can be renegotiated.
00:37:10:15 - 00:37:33:09
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And that's that's been the case from forever. So it's important to understand that there is no should rubric, there's no balance that you have to meet. And the same is true in dating as it is in marriage, right? Just because you know, I would suggest to you, Adam, that this idea of the man has to do this in a manner that's all in your head and it's not, you know, that.
00:37:33:09 - 00:37:50:06
Adam King
I believe. That. I believe. And I'll tell you something. In my dating life, I have stopped offering, I have stopped paying, and I have started saying no. And women respect that much more than a man who just cowbells over and starts writing checks.
00:37:50:19 - 00:37:56:22
Layla Book
Right. But just be careful, Adam. You don't want to come off as cheap and stingy. That's not there.
00:37:56:22 - 00:38:19:22
Adam King
Is that thing right there. But you want to know something when I follow, like my. And you take stuff and like, I get up in all my alpha male Instagram podcasts, they say the same thing. They say, Don't show your wealth, live like you're poor and stack your cash. When it comes to dating, they say, Let's spend everything.
00:38:20:16 - 00:38:26:12
Adam King
Don't hold back your money. You have to be like, very careful. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.
00:38:27:01 - 00:38:37:21
Layla Book
Yeah, sorry. There has to be a, you know, a middle ground. You don't want to be spending, spending, spending. Because then she's always going to be expecting that. But then again, well.
00:38:37:21 - 00:38:51:15
Adam King
I think she's going to be expecting that because she has a long list of men that already treated her this way. And she knows that if this does if this guy doesn't follow this procedure, she can dump him and go get another guy who's going to pay the bill.
00:38:52:03 - 00:39:06:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And yet, clearly, that's not what she's looking for in a relationship, because otherwise she would have closed the book and said, okay, so. Right. That that what what the currency is not money, the currency, the relationship run on is not money.
00:39:06:21 - 00:39:07:09
Layla Book
And be that.
00:39:07:17 - 00:39:09:13
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And it's not love either. You don't if.
00:39:09:13 - 00:39:12:15
Adam King
It's a relationship, if she's really looking for.
00:39:13:01 - 00:39:14:20
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
It, if it's not a relationship, then what is it?
00:39:14:20 - 00:39:16:21
Adam King
It might be looking for a lifestyle.
00:39:17:13 - 00:39:25:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Or a lifestyle or it's some, you know, some watered down form of prostitution, you know, if that's the expectation.
00:39:25:09 - 00:39:29:08
Adam King
Marriage is the most expensive type of prostitution sometimes. Let's just be.
00:39:29:08 - 00:39:29:18
Rock Breath
Real.
00:39:30:00 - 00:39:32:22
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Not you know, it's not prostitution. If it's if it's for real, if.
00:39:32:22 - 00:39:33:00
Adam King
It's.
00:39:34:01 - 00:39:37:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
As I was saying, if if it's about the money, you have a problem.
00:39:37:09 - 00:39:39:08
Adam King
I feel like out of all you have the sense that.
00:39:39:17 - 00:39:42:00
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Way beyond, you know, money and expectations.
00:39:42:06 - 00:39:42:19
Adam King
I feel like.
00:39:43:08 - 00:39:43:10
Rock Breath
The.
00:39:43:11 - 00:39:59:19
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Connection hasn't come through. Right. That's what's missing. So you have to find the whole purpose of dating is creating an atmosphere in which it would be possible to have a real connection. When you get to sort of have those moments where you see past the makeup and the money and you see who you see into each other's souls for a moment.
00:39:59:22 - 00:40:00:12
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And you have to how.
00:40:00:12 - 00:40:01:10
Adam King
Do you how do you.
00:40:01:16 - 00:40:03:00
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Who you are and how.
00:40:03:00 - 00:40:24:00
Adam King
You look and how do you look into a partner, a new dating partner, somebody that you're just starting to date and give them the eyeball assessment. To our listeners, what advice do you have to our listeners that to to find out if this person is looking for a relationship or a lifestyle?
00:40:24:00 - 00:40:46:05
Layla Book
It's well, it's you go on dates, you see if like I've I had a client the other day, he told me he went on a date, I didn't set them up but he had a date that they went on. He, he picked a restaurant, the restaurant she, she looked at the menu. Oh no, it's not for me. I don't like it.
00:40:46:05 - 00:40:56:05
Layla Book
Can we do Chinese? Okay. So he went to Chinese? Oh, no, this is not working for me. I don't really like the food there. It took them 3 to 3 different.
00:40:56:13 - 00:40:58:16
Adam King
I had a day like this like three weeks ago.
00:40:59:16 - 00:41:26:14
Layla Book
To go find a place for her to eat. It's obviously this is not the right person for him. She has her priorities all wrong. So your question is like, how do we know like if if we're dating the right person, you have to know our values the right way are our personalities, flesh, you know, align. I mean, do do we have the right, you know, perspectives on things?
00:41:26:23 - 00:41:49:06
Layla Book
It's like they say love is not what we do. You know, like what love is. I have the saying saying that love is not okay. Love is not two people looking at each other. Love is two people looking in the same direction. I have to say. Really, like we have to make sure that we're not like, you know, it's all butterflies.
00:41:49:06 - 00:41:54:24
Layla Book
And, you know, of course, that's great. But we have to make sure that we're in the right direction. And see.
00:41:55:16 - 00:42:20:22
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
The most important moment on any date is the awkward silence, you know, and how do you guys what happens in that moment? That's that's where that's where, you know, all the blah, blah, blah, all the cute stuff. This is superficial stuff is as passed. And you have an opportunity for for real connection. And, you know, it's I don't have any tricks to generate that awkward silence.
00:42:20:22 - 00:42:48:14
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know, it's hard to talk about, but you can get to that point where like, okay, we're both tired of making small talk and let's see, let's, let's see your cards. Right, let's see what was really going on. And in those moments, you know, the ability to put your heart out and and let yourself see for a minute, you know, and feel and be authentic and connect, talk about something that's difficult for you.
00:42:48:14 - 00:43:07:23
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
So then you're working on, you know, something that that is real in those moments. And you see how they react and if they can meet you there. So, you know, you know, you're in the game. And if they can't meet you there and they're like, okay, let's you know what? Check, please. Right. And they're not able to hold any moment with you.
00:43:08:06 - 00:43:40:22
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
They're, like, afraid of connection and, you know, so you're barking up the wrong tree. And you can usually find out if that moment, if they're if they're looking for connection in that. And that's awkward silence for the coffee date before you even go to dinner, before you have to spend a lot of money. You know, sometimes you can even get to it on the phone, you know, but those awkward silences, you know, and just being able to hold space with it and enjoy it, you know, that that's where you have you have real work to be done, right?
00:43:41:00 - 00:44:06:22
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You got this sense of, okay, we're tired of of paint. Let's see. Let's see what's really going on. And, you know, when you have someone with whom you connect, it doesn't really matter at this point. If it's if it's dating or friendship or whatever. Right? When you have someone that you're able to connect to and you see for a minute that they're willing to to to show up and be human instead of pretending to be an Instagram model right there, you know?
00:44:07:06 - 00:44:07:15
Rock Breath
Right.
00:44:08:01 - 00:44:13:09
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know, if they're really interested. So then you have someone that's really invested in it can actually.
00:44:13:09 - 00:44:18:11
Adam King
Put their Instagram profile in their dating profile. You know, this one is probably not they're not looking.
00:44:18:11 - 00:44:25:01
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
At what means that they're probably looking for that lifestyle. They're looking for something to be seen on the outside. Yeah. You know, and.
00:44:25:04 - 00:44:34:16
Adam King
Obviously the girls on the dating apps but sitting on a private jet, sitting on the deck of a boat, sitting in a mansion with a guy, again, you know, it's like.
00:44:34:16 - 00:44:35:06
Layla Book
Not for you.
00:44:36:08 - 00:44:45:09
Adam King
I don't even think rich guys want that, you know what I mean? Like, how great she she could show me that she's good at spending money. I need. I need someone like that in my life.
00:44:45:15 - 00:44:51:07
Layla Book
Yeah, but is it true that you have the Instagram versus reality? How do we know even that what what they portray?
00:44:51:09 - 00:44:56:16
Adam King
There's all those people that go into those fake Instagram sets so that they can look rich, but, oh.
00:44:57:03 - 00:45:04:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know, but again, in that awkward silence, are they trying to preserve their Instagram image and be that.
00:45:05:01 - 00:45:07:19
Adam King
Or are they trying to be or does something authentic?
00:45:08:07 - 00:45:19:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Or is there something is there someone home, someone to connect to, someone there, you know, and that that's the that's the currency, right? This what we call Hebrew came right behind is when you when you realize and.
00:45:19:02 - 00:45:20:09
Adam King
I thought Shekhar a thing.
00:45:21:09 - 00:45:29:04
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah. Shekhar saying it can be in fact that when you're really connecting, you know, you can connect even on culture.
00:45:29:24 - 00:45:30:22
Rock Breath
Wow. Okay.
00:45:31:08 - 00:45:48:11
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Check everything when you're really connecting, you know, it doesn't you could be talking about the Philadelphia Eagles losing the commanders. You could be talking about Kanye West and this and that. You know, whatever it is that you're talking about, if you're going to moment kind of kind of like that, you know, so you can really if you're connecting.
00:45:48:24 - 00:46:13:12
Adam King
That's beautiful for everybody. Just tuning in, again, this is the Adam King Show. I'm your host, Adam King. Please tune into all of our videos, go to our website, the Adam King Show Akon and take a peek. We are joined today by two lovely guests, Rabbi Shalom Schachter from Sharad Zedek Synagogue in Vancouver, and Laila Laila book, Famous Matchmaker to the stars here in Los Angeles.
00:46:13:12 - 00:46:53:16
Adam King
And we are talking about dating and solutions to the dating crisis. Now, I want to back up to the point that we seem to all agree on and I think our viewers, obviously, Laila, confided in us that she was the one who initially pursued her husband and they ended in marriage. And I want to add, you know, since we all agree that women if if the decision is the woman's to either accept or reject the man as a husband or or or not, that if she leads the pursuit, there's going to be a higher chance of success.
00:46:54:00 - 00:47:20:06
Adam King
So what kind of advice can we give to our female audience on how to initiate a conversation with the man, how to pursue a man? Because I think a lot of women are very afraid of stepping out of this traditional role, of being the you know, that pursuing a man means batting your eyes and looking. How does she take real initiative and pick up the phone and call the guy that she wants and say, hey, I want to date you?
00:47:21:00 - 00:47:38:04
Adam King
What do you think about that? How do we how do we get how do what do we what what can we teach women? What kind of tools can we give them? What kind of inspiration can we give them to encourage them to go out and get their man? I'll start with you, Laila. What do you think? Since it works for you?
00:47:39:03 - 00:48:00:03
Layla Book
It works for me. I mean, there's so many ways, like, I run a Facebook group, okay? And some people post about themselves and say, hey, this is me. And, you know, you can contact me if you're interested. And if like a guy posts about themselves again, like I was saying before, what you have to do, send them a send them a message.
00:48:00:03 - 00:48:21:23
Layla Book
Hey, you know, I start a conversation. Don't say just hi. You know, you start a thing, you're like, Oh, well, it was such a nice post that you made about yourself. Or if you're in person, in a real social setting up, be be upfront, say hi. What's your name? Start. Oh, do you what do you do is stuff like that.
00:48:22:22 - 00:48:47:14
Layla Book
I always when I was single, I always went with one person when I would to attend events not more than two to people. I would suggest as a woman, because the men are more like they're, you know, they're a little intimidated. It's it's a large group of women. So go with a friend to social events and start a conversation, say, oh, is this do you come here often?
00:48:48:00 - 00:49:20:00
Layla Book
You know, you know, don't be be yourself. First of all, totally be yourself. Don't set up a front. Be yourself and and again, you have like either it's yes or no. I like, again, a lot of people, they're worried that what if they say, I say something wrong, don't worry about that. Be or be yourself and whoever you are, you'll attract the right person if you are setting up, you know, you're you're not yourself.
00:49:20:00 - 00:49:42:24
Layla Book
You're not going to attract the right person. So I think those are some things, but of course, we can go on with it. But those are some some main factors that I think are important is to be yourself, be, be up front. You have nothing to lose. I'll send that message in Facebook. Send my social me. If you're on the Facebook group, send that message.
00:49:42:24 - 00:49:46:11
Layla Book
You know how you never really know? My motto is you never know.
00:49:46:19 - 00:49:49:14
Adam King
This is a whole new definition of Don't wait for a man.
00:49:50:15 - 00:50:18:17
Layla Book
Don't wait for a man in like let's say you you exchanged contact info at a at events somewhere he hasn't contacted you you it's been a couple of days so hey send them a texting. It was nice meeting you the other day like that and see what he says if he doesn't respond. Okay, fine. But at least you made the and actually men like that some savvy men want to be appreciated.
00:50:18:22 - 00:50:40:13
Layla Book
So send that text to him and say, hey, it was night. How was your week? It was nice meeting you. They're going to like that. Actually, they're not. They're going to see that. Okay. I'm actually wanted. So it's it's a positive thing, not a negative thing that you're thinking like, oh, I'm degrading myself. I'm no, the women like Adam is saying, oh, no, I'm supposed to be approached.
00:50:41:01 - 00:50:44:14
Layla Book
Okay, fine. If that's not for you, that's not for you. But again.
00:50:45:03 - 00:51:05:19
Adam King
Enjoy your single life, ladies, go get some popcorn. Yeah. The truth is, is now in my dating life, I don't even take a woman seriously unless I feel like she's pursuing me. Also, if I'm pursuing her and she's pursuing me, we're going to collide in the middle and have a great time. I don't like the whole Chase game anymore.
00:51:05:19 - 00:51:36:17
Adam King
I know this is supposed to be like women. Think it's fun for men to chase their, chase them and whatnot, but I don't enjoy it. And and for the record, how I know that this theory is true is the longest relationships that I have stayed in, the most toxic, unbearable situations. Truth because the woman constantly pursued me because I was constantly showered with attention and affection and I didn't have to work for it.
00:51:38:07 - 00:51:56:20
Adam King
She would do that. I stayed in a very, very toxic relationships. And there are a lot of men out there who are very lonely and a woman that comes up to the like. I get women to come to me all the time when I tell them the strategy and they say, Well, men don't want that. They're going to think it's weird and they're not going to talk to me.
00:51:57:07 - 00:52:19:07
Adam King
And I'm going to say and I respond to them. You mean to tell me that a dude who sits at home by himself, the majority of the day, is not going to talk to a moderately attractive girl that wants to talk to him? So I think this is ways that moderately attractive women can become very attractive to men and they get to choose who they want.
00:52:19:07 - 00:52:38:21
Adam King
Instead of waiting for that guy to choose them and pursue them, they just go out and handle it. Rabbi Rabbi Schachter What do you think is advice for women? What would you tell a woman who wants to try this new method and pursue a man? What advice would you tell her in the pursuit of a man?
00:52:39:00 - 00:52:59:10
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know, the first thing I would say is this goes for men and women both. You got to start with prayer. You got to be God. You got to pray to God and say, God, I want I want a match. Right. You got to say I want my my soul mate. I'm not interested in a date. I'm not interested in, you know, if someone will take me out and, you know, spend $500 on sushi.
00:52:59:24 - 00:53:01:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
But that's not that's not what I'm looking for.
00:53:01:15 - 00:53:06:21
Adam King
God, that happened to me once, man. How did how the hell did I spend $500 on sushi?
00:53:07:05 - 00:53:28:03
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Oh, that was good. You know, that's that's that's the issue, right? Is it's about knowing what you want. And prayer is the talk about that is Beirut Iran zone is clarifying what it is that you want and coming to sense of God this is what I want, you know, please, please find him for me.
00:53:28:11 - 00:53:30:05
Adam King
And when she's and when she's ready.
00:53:30:19 - 00:53:31:07
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And when you're.
00:53:31:07 - 00:53:47:12
Adam King
Ready and there's a man on her radar that she can't stop thinking about and she's doing everything, batting her eyes, making herself look super pretty, going following the guy on social media is to find out what events he's going to be and so that she could be at them, too, in hopes that he might talk to her. How do you get this girl?
00:53:47:12 - 00:54:00:00
Adam King
What do you say to this girl, Rabbi? Just to get her to just be like, stop wasting your time. Stop wasting your money. Go talk to the guy. Maybe he's into you. Maybe he's not. And then you can move forward. What do you tell them?
00:54:00:06 - 00:54:05:09
Rock Breath
What strategy do they just go straight forward? Do they give the guy that strategy?
00:54:05:09 - 00:54:06:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
It's about confidence.
00:54:06:16 - 00:54:07:09
Adam King
Confidence.
00:54:07:09 - 00:54:10:20
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And you have to treasure yourself, you know. And the same is true.
00:54:10:20 - 00:54:11:21
Adam King
That's the answer right?
00:54:11:21 - 00:54:28:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
There is not. You can spend a lot of money that doesn't make you know, there's not necessarily attract there's the confidence to know your words. Right? I'm here. I'm you are, you know, a daughter of Sarajevo. Sorry. Reserve girls over you. A matriarch. You.
00:54:28:05 - 00:54:30:19
Adam King
We have a big non-Jewish audience too. Maybe that's not.
00:54:30:20 - 00:54:33:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Good. You. Maybe you're not. But you're created in the image of God.
00:54:33:15 - 00:54:34:15
Adam King
Everyone's worthy.
00:54:34:15 - 00:55:08:19
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah, it's more than worthy. It's. It's is divine, right? You have something that comes from God, and you got to be ready to follow that. We have, you know, the Torah tells us that man was men and women were created with two impulses, one for good and one for evil. And unfortunately, the long exiled has taught us that generally when we're when we're looking, we're thinking lustful, that that's our future era, that's our negative impulse, is that we're thinking, you know, when you're thinking with your loins.
00:55:09:02 - 00:55:34:05
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And so that's your negative impulse. As soon as you're married, that becomes a positive impulse, right? That's that's a desire to fulfill a mitzvah. That's a, you know, desire to do a commandment. That's a positive that's a positive impulse. And you need to know that that's a positive, positive You see a guy that that makes you excited and you get that impulse inside of you, this welling up that is God inside of you tickling you, saying, go right, go get.
00:55:34:05 - 00:55:34:18
Adam King
Him, tiger.
00:55:35:01 - 00:55:53:03
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
That is a divine impulse, you know, and it needs to be done correctly. It needs to be handled right. It's not it's not divine. If you if you're if you're mistreating it. Right there, that feels like a safer totally where you have a terrorist girl. Those girls not to be taken out and handled and paraded around naked. That's not what it's for.
00:55:53:08 - 00:56:03:17
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And has to be kept in a certain in a certain decorum. And it needs to be respected. The same is true of our bodies. They need to be closed and respected and only opened and used when appropriate.
00:56:04:06 - 00:56:05:16
Adam King
Spoken like a true rabbi.
00:56:06:21 - 00:56:07:15
Layla Book
Keep it kosher.
00:56:08:15 - 00:56:16:19
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
You know what? But that. But that's an expression of the confidence that a person can have. Yeah, I'm worth it. I'm special. I'm not. I'm not cheap.
00:56:17:00 - 00:56:18:18
Adam King
So these. So you're saying this.
00:56:18:18 - 00:56:26:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Woman has that attitude of, you know, I'm I'm here as the image of God in the world and I've got to find that part of the image of God that that.
00:56:27:05 - 00:56:35:05
Adam King
Whether this person accepts or rejects me, I'm worthy. And it doesn't matter what they think of me and I'm going to go for it anyway. And that's what and.
00:56:35:06 - 00:56:57:15
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
I'm here to see if they if they if they're willing to to to match my, you know, match my authenticity and if they are so great and if they're not. So I'm looking for someone who is and you're clear about what you want because you've been praying about it, you know, and you come in with the confidence to know that God is helping you and you got to find the person that's going to meet you authentically and be real and connect.
00:56:57:22 - 00:57:07:00
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And it's not about that lifestyle or the ability to, you know, it's about this authentic connection, if that's what you're clear that you're looking for, you know, and you go going, you find it, you go find it.
00:57:07:13 - 00:57:33:16
Layla Book
That's you need to believe in yourself and it goes with Simona trust. Trust in who you believe in. Either it's God or whoever you need to have that. That's keep the faith you need your. So if you have that, I think if you believe in yourself and you set your mind to it, what else? You know, all these cliches we can say, but really it is it's a matter of fact.
00:57:33:16 - 00:57:53:16
Layla Book
Like it's all about your mindset. Mindset is everything. If you have the right mindset about, okay, well, I'm going to achieve this, it doesn't have to be in just relationship, in anything in life. If you set yourself with the right mindset, you will achieve it. And if it's supposed to happen, it'll happen.
00:57:55:05 - 00:58:05:10
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah, great that you know you. So if you value yourself, right, so you're no longer predator and prey, you're outside of predator and prey.
00:58:05:10 - 00:58:14:24
Adam King
I like that. I don't like this whole predator prey modality. I know that it's like, catchy and it sells and there's like.
00:58:14:24 - 00:58:16:07
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Toxic to the nth degree.
00:58:16:18 - 00:58:34:11
Adam King
It is. It's extremely toxic. And there's, like, tons of people. They have these membership clubs come in a relationship coach you to the finish line and teach you how to be a skilled alpha male hunter and teach you how to be a little soft, beautiful gazelle, you know, like and they and they have like these programs for people.
00:58:34:11 - 00:59:03:13
Adam King
And I don't think that the hunting modality works. I as if I'm supposed to be a hunter. I don't want to hunt for my prey anymore. I don't want my wife. I don't want my my hunger for food and my desire for intimacy and partnership to be pulling from the same energy. I want them to be separate energies.
00:59:03:13 - 00:59:28:00
Adam King
I want them to be independent of themselves. Breeding is breeding. Hunting is hunting. If we're primal like that. And I really, really appreciate both of you for our listeners that are that are here, we're going to do more shows like this because I feel this really is going to a lot of people are going to get a lot of real nuggets of wisdom and help themselves on this on these ideas.
00:59:28:00 - 00:59:58:14
Adam King
And and Asra, we don't have so much time left in today's show, but I want to just push the can, you know, down the road once once a relationship happens and people get into a relationship, albeit nobody's ever committed, nobody ever jumps into the relationships these days are you know, pretty much everything but calling each other exclusive. You know, people are willing to sleep with each other.
00:59:58:14 - 01:00:19:23
Adam King
They're willing to spend the night almost every night of the week, but they're not willing to take themselves off the market and be completely taken for the time being. They still keep themselves open to their friends. They still keep themselves open, you know, all the possibility that it doesn't work out and everybody's talking to like six or seven people at the same time.
01:00:19:23 - 01:00:38:19
Adam King
So you get to that quasi relationship. How do you get how do you what do you and this is a personal thing because I imagine some people really want to be in the commitment of a relationship. I imagine some people say they want to be in a committed relationship, but they still want to kind of play the field.
01:00:39:04 - 01:00:53:21
Adam King
How what advice do you have people for people to get to that level of exclusive commitment that can that can progress towards a conversation about marriage, family and the future?
01:00:55:13 - 01:01:25:00
Layla Book
As a matchmaker, when I set up my clients up, I always suggest I always only do set them up one person at a time because it helps them focus on themselves and a focus on the person that you are dating. So it gives them clarity. Dating with clarity is very important. So if you are focusing on multiple different people, you're going to compare A to B, C, to A and it's going to be so confusing.
01:01:25:00 - 01:01:42:24
Layla Book
Like, Okay, David has something that I like, but and then Michael something. But Michael doesn't have this. And so you just like putting everything is like, are we going to morph like David and Michael into like a package? And then here you go. I'm going to create a match for you, you know, so you have to date with clarity.
01:01:43:08 - 01:02:08:04
Layla Book
And if you're dating, like Adam said, like want to put yourself on the field and see who is out there. You're never going to meet that person. So you got to meet date with 1% of time, date with clarity, date with focus and intention. And I think definitely that that those are some things that will help you but definitely don't don't play around.
01:02:08:04 - 01:02:27:20
Adam King
Rabbi Schachter How do we negotiate the clothes? How do we get to the finish line? Once you've got the relationship going, how do you get it to? How do you get it to to full blown commitment from this kind of Karzai status that Laila was just talking about, of Michael and David and whatnot? How do you get it?
01:02:27:20 - 01:02:30:06
Adam King
So it's no, it's only David.
01:02:31:16 - 01:02:53:03
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Yeah. You know, I think that that comes, again with clarifying what you want, you know, a person needs to look inside themselves, say, what do I really want here? Right. What do I want doing? Want one person that's going to, you know, build a family with me and is going to be my partner. And I could be, you know, vulnerable and feel safe with is that what I want or am I still having fun playing the field doing that?
01:02:53:03 - 01:03:12:13
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
That's not really what I want. And if you ask yourself and if you're honest with yourself, so, you know, if don't you just need to be clear. If you're clear that this is what you want, you want to you want commitment, you want to settle down if that's what you want. And you should be able to communicate that this is the phase that I am in my life.
01:03:12:21 - 01:03:43:17
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
I'm looking for commitment and to settle down. I'm looking for marriage. And and one of the things that I think the Orthodox Jewish world does very right is the sense of dating for marriage, that we're not dating for having a good time. We're dating to see how do we want to get married. And because then you don't have any any you know, there's no question you don't doubt that that's what we're looking for, you know, and that kind of clarity upfront is really important, is really, really important that, you know, now and it's okay that people don't I'm not saying that everybody has to be that way.
01:03:43:17 - 01:04:06:21
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And if you're clear upfront that what you're looking for is a long term relationship, but you put your your expectation that you should match, right? That if this is what what you want and you get what do you get to? It sometimes is a moment where one person has changed their mind. One person says, you know, I used to not want you know, I used to want to play the field.
01:04:06:21 - 01:04:30:21
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
But but now I'm done and I want you you know, that that moment of vulnerability is really, really precious. And, you know, to be able to share her with your partner. So, you know, you are the one that I want and I'm done playing the field you know, I think, again, if a person says that to their partner and the partner reacts negatively.
01:04:30:21 - 01:04:51:04
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
So I think that's all the answer you need. You know, the the sense of reality and truth, you know, is there that's like awkward silence moments, you know? And in that moment of awkward silence, are you looking for somebody else to fill that void? Fill that void, right. Or are you comfortable saying, okay, I can be with you?
01:04:51:04 - 01:05:00:03
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
And the content of our conversation is not what it was interested me. I want to be with you and I'm happy to be here in an awkward silence because I'm here with you.
01:05:00:03 - 01:05:03:11
Layla Book
And if that scares them away, then he or she is not right for you.
01:05:03:15 - 01:05:04:04
Rock Breath
That's right. Yeah.
01:05:04:23 - 01:05:23:15
Layla Book
So. So many people are so afraid of commitment and they see it. So many months pass by then. And then they talk to each other. They have a heart to heart. Finally, you know, after so many months and the the guy's like, oh, no, I'm not I'm not ready for that. And it scares them away. Or even the women.
01:05:24:00 - 01:05:25:00
Layla Book
It scares them away.
01:05:25:01 - 01:05:26:22
Adam King
So much time has gone by.
01:05:27:09 - 01:05:28:02
Layla Book
Yeah.
01:05:28:15 - 01:05:30:24
Adam King
It's it's a waste of time.
01:05:31:12 - 01:05:45:03
Layla Book
Most of it goes back to communication is so important in relationship is if again and it goes back again with values and intention. If we're just dating for having fun.
01:05:45:03 - 01:05:46:07
Adam King
Okay, play the field.
01:05:46:22 - 01:06:07:05
Layla Book
Tell it to tell it to me before you know it before we're going into six, seven months, eight months of, you know, but like if you work with a matchmaker like me, obviously you won't have that problem. But when you don't work with a matchmaker, you do it on your own without a rabbi, without a mentor. You don't you you're going to run into those type of problems.
01:06:08:19 - 01:06:47:02
Adam King
So as we're concluding the show, my take home is this. And tell me if I'm correct that if before anybody goes out on dates, they need to be very clear and honest with themselves. What they want from the dating life. If they want a marriage partner, if they want a long term non marriage partner, if they want something short term, whatever they want, they have to be very, very clear about it and they have to be if they want if a woman wants to go around and be chaste, she shouldn't go around dating guys who are looking for marriage.
01:06:47:02 - 01:07:06:19
Adam King
She should go around looking for guys who want to chase girls. If a woman wants to be married, it's okay for her to step up and have a role in the courtship process, and it's okay for her to court him as well. You know, he is going to be the father of your children and your life partner. It's okay to put some effort into there.
01:07:07:08 - 01:07:15:06
Adam King
So first and foremost, we have clarity. Second, we have confidence. Third, we have commitment.
01:07:16:21 - 01:07:17:16
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Communication.
01:07:18:13 - 01:07:19:18
Layla Book
Communication, yeah.
01:07:20:05 - 01:07:28:09
Adam King
So we have the forces now. Clarity, communication, clarity, confidence, communication and commitment.
01:07:28:23 - 01:07:30:04
Layla Book
Just created a new thing.
01:07:30:16 - 01:07:53:01
Adam King
And this is going to go viral. Okay, so we got a great formula, a great recipe and what people could do practically to find love in their life. And I challenge all these women. I challenge them. If you want a man, go get a man. They're they're ripe for the picking. They I I want to thank everybody for tuning in to the Adam King show today.
01:07:53:01 - 01:08:13:12
Adam King
This was a really different episode, very unique, very cutting edge for a racy talk show to go out there and start talking about dating. And we're going to do more episodes like this because I had a really good time. And if I have a good time, I'm sure my audience has a good time. So we leave a Lila book.
01:08:13:12 - 01:08:14:16
Adam King
Where can people find you?
01:08:15:12 - 01:08:31:20
Layla Book
You'll find me on Facebook, Instagram and the Dating. I have a website WW dot Lila finds love dot com or you can send me an email Jewish singles matchmaker gmail.com just look me up.
01:08:32:06 - 01:08:39:08
Adam King
I'm super easy to remember. They love my and rabbi Schachter Where are you? Where are you giving your sermon?
01:08:40:05 - 01:08:50:14
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Jared Zedek Synagogue. You can find us. We're on the web at Church Telecom. We're here in right in the heart of Vancouver. Come visit, come. Chavez, you know we're here.
01:08:50:23 - 01:08:51:19
Adam King
I think I will.
01:08:52:16 - 01:08:53:02
Rabbi Schlomo Schachter
Read.
01:08:54:06 - 01:09:16:07
Adam King
On that note. I want to thank everybody for tuning in. Thank you to Rob brother, associate producer who this show is not possible without. And again, we are coming back on Mondays and Thursdays now. Every single week we got our show times down. We got great guests coming up in the future. We got some hot, controversial politics and, some hot, controversial dating advice.
01:09:16:23 - 01:09:34:01
Adam King
So thank you, everybody, for tuning in. And I will see you next week.